I love my life.
My husband and children are the most important people in the world to me.
But this week I’ve turned into a grump. A yelling, somewhat irrational, exhausted for no apparent reason, self-centered, impatient person…at home, with the people who matter most.
It’s vacation week. And it started off as a really great time. Walks outside, later bedtime, breakfast for dinner, no morning schedule, staying in pajamas for hours, and a lot of good, clean fun. Enjoying each other. Daniel and I were grooving, too, getting in some couple time and yin/yang parenting. All was well.
But my bubble burst. Big time. At nearly a week into school vacation, I’m seriously looking forward to Monday. Individually, the kids are wonderful. Funny, helpful (most of the time), kind. But the incessant sibling rivalry, the arguments, the I-didn’t-make-that-mess, she/he-did-it, and “But, whys?” made me want to move into my car today. Just for a little while.
I get this look a lot.
(Source: xfinity.comcast.com)
Some days, I’m just not good at mothering. Or wife-ing. Or anything. And I feel like I’m letting everyone down, failing. Daniel tells me that he’s reminded of me when we watch Modern Family—Julia Bowen’s character. And he’s not talking about her looks.
But a voice inside says: Buck up, little camper. Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk. Time to go to the mat, figuratively. Enough with the pithy sayings.
I recall the reading on breathing I shared during one of my yoga classes, from Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn:
To use your breathing to nurture mindfulness, just tune in to the feeling of it…the feeling of the breath coming into your body and the feeling of the breath leaving your body. That’s all. Just feeling the breath. Breathing and knowing that you’re breathing. This doesn’t mean deep breathing or forcing your breathing, or trying to feel something special, or wondering whether you’re doing it right. It doesn’t mean thinking about your breathing, either. It’s just a bare bones awareness of the breath moving in and the breath moving out.
TRY: Staying with one full in breath as it comes in, one full out breath as it goes out, keeping your mind open and free for just this moment, just this breath. Abandon all ideas of getting somewhere or having anything happen. Just keep returning to the breath when the mind wanders, stringing moments of mindfulness together, breath by breath.
I already feel better. Things aren’t perfect. But I’m alive and healthy and married to the only person for me: my dear, crazy smart, hilarious, sweet, strong, and marvelous Daniel. Together we are raising six uniquely wonderful children who make us so proud, not so much because of their high marks in school, athleticism, or musical talents, but because they are kind, hard-working, and have really good hearts.
Gratitude. Breathing. So simple, but somehow elusive.
Now, I relax the shoulders that crept up all day. Soften the brow, the muscles around my eyes, jaw, neck, and shoulders.
OK.
Ready to give all my little friends and my main squeeze a big hug. And breathe again.
Breathe Again by Sara Bareilles
Breathe Me by Sia
Moments strung together make it all worthwhile…….deep breaths 🙂
So true. So easy to get caught up in the nonsense, but easier now to reign it in. Thanks, winsomebella. Your posts help me focus on and appreciate what matters.
So you are human? Who would’ve thought 🙂 I am glad you found you way back from the slippery slope of life’s illusion of unnecessary chaos. It’s funny, I was just reflecting on my siblings and how they lovingly tortured me and how they could trick me into thinking I was adopted. All those little fights have given me the skills to be resilient, stand up for myself and to take responsiblity for me. Not being a mother, I can only imagine how children’s fights have got to grate on any mother’s nerves. Yet, there may be hidden gems of life lessons and hopefully, positive character developments in those perceived unnecessary spats. Just a thought. I am glad you are breathing through it all and taking the time to have your “spiritual” self observe your “human” self. To me, you are a beautiful person for so many reasons – but mainly because of your realness to yourself, to your family, to your friends, and to all others you interact with. Great to see you today! Hug!
Gail, Gail, insightful, knowing Gail. Running into you today was just what I needed. Only wish it could have been for longer. I’m still on the roller coaster of spiritual and human these days, and trending much more cranky human. 🙁 I’ve got all sorts of rationale, beginning with the splitting headache that has hardened my soft edges the past two days (allergies? sinus pressure?) But that’s not taking responsibility for me, as you aptly put it.
So, my wise friend: When will you grace us with a guest blog here on lifeyum? Think about it.
Love, Lisa
I could feel your energy was a bit out of sorts yesterday – more like your energy is depleted a bit – which makes sense since you have had so much on your plate and the chapter of your initial yoga certification has come to a close. You would think that the yoga course ending would allow you to put your energy in other places of your life, but I think (again, just my opinion) that the teacher training was helping you stay grounded and connected with your “real” self. You were consistently surrounded by the beautiful energy of Jennilee and of the other future teachers. There is something to say about being in like female company – it is a gift to be surrounded by women who share a similar path. Have you had a chance to “grieve” the ending of the teacher training chapter, yet? It would make sense why you are feeling the roller coaster ride – this was a special time of your life – a transitional time – and now you may be finding it difficult to keep the spiritual “in shape-ness” of your life, so I’m guessing you heavily judge yourself (whether it is because you feel like you should be a certain way – like be able to handle life’s trivial tasks with calmness and ease), which (again, I’m just guessing here) is making you cranky because you are not meeting your expectation in your head of how you should be.
So, what it comes down to is that you are not perfect – none of us are – and you are the first to teach us to be okay to not be perfect.
I know it is frustrating to be in this part of your life – I’m guessing because you feel like you are letting others down as well as yourself. But Lisa, those of us who truly love you know you are a beautiful person that is going through a spiritual transition right now. Just ride the wave of change, rather than trying to figure it out (“what you resist, persists”). So I say to you – practice temperance – gentle self-discipline when needed. Practice patience – allow yourself to naturally evolve. And finally, offer yourself compassion – just as you would be compassionate to anyone who is going through there spiritual transition. This will help you maintain your spiritual “fitness.”
Keep breathing my friend. I would be happy to guess blog – I just don’t know how 🙂 Big hug!
Oh, my friend. You knowing, sensitive, wise one.
I hadn’t thought at all about the end of our cocoon — the constant support, learning, and growth. And then the stagnation of the whirlwind of mental and spiritual development. Real life. Simple, sometimes very frustrating stuff that I want to just be grateful for. Practice, practice. Big hug back to you!
Your note was a guest blog. But it deserves highlighting on the front page with your beautiful face to the writing. I’ll get in touch with you, my friend.
Thank you so, so much.